Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What You've Missed - Part III

Part I is here.  Part II is here.

You've missed me.  You don't know that I am an amazing mother.  You don't know that I have done better with and by these two kids than I ever thought possible.  You don't know how much they love me.  You don't know the special, amazing, strong bond that we have.

You don't know that I'm funny.  I'm a funny person.  One of my biggest joys is making people laugh.  The people in my live know that I'm funny.  Being funny is important to me.  You didn't know that.  You wouldn't let me be funny.  You always had to be center stage.  I wasn't even allowed on stage at the same time as you.

You don't know that I'm free.  I can go where I want when I want.  I don't have to ask you, plan for a million years before hand, or wait for you to come home (late) so that I can go.  And when I do arrive at my destination, I don't arrive late.  I don't arrive with tear-stained cheeks.  I don't arrive already looking at the clock for when I have to leave.  I'm not anxious, I don't have bruises on my arms or face, I don't end the activity early.  I relax, I engage, and I enjoy the company I'm with and the activity I'm doing.

You don't know that I'm a wonderful friend - you never allowed me to have any.
You don't know that I'm a wonderful daughter/granddaughter - you never allowed me to have contact with them.
You don't know that I like to do things by myself - you never let me leave the house.
You don't know who I really am - you suffocated the real me, and she's only now so many years later starting to find her way back out.

Are there things I miss about you or about us? Absolutely. At one time there were very, very good things.  Things that lasted for a long time and things that I thought would see us through.  But you weren't strong enough to keep away the bad things.  You weren't strong enough to be the real you. You hurt me too many times in too many ways.  So, I took our babies and I left.  You won't see us again.  You won't know what you're missing, but I will.

I don't know exactly when you leave my head entirely.  Some small part of my hopes you don't ever.  Hearing your voice once in a while telling me that I can't do something or that I've done it wrong makes me do it better than I'd set out to do it in the first place.

And that's what you're missing.  You're missing what an amazing, dynamic, funny, pretty, awesome person I am.  I rock, and you're going to miss that for the rest of your life.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Summer

This summer has been amazing.  Busy, filled, hot, fun, and amazing. 

I have no complaints about the days we have spent, and I have no complaints for the days coming up.  Josh and I have been to Kentucky with no kids for a NASCAR race.  That weekend was something I desperately needed and the results of it have carried through until now.  We have been to cook-out and fireworks.  We've seen Cars 2 as a family which was more fun than a dark movie theater should be.  This weekend alone, there was grilling out, swimming, bike riding, a water balloon fight, and home made pizza - right in our own back yard!  Sometimes I feel like I'm living out of a magazine.  

The truth is, that I need to realize and remember these times.  There are times when our days are science fiction in their awfulness.  There are times when the busy-ness gets me down.  There are days when I question every decision I have ever made that has brought me to this point.  Those days are hard and dark and long.  I need to take my summer high and bottle it up.  I need to wear it in a locket around my neck.  This way, when my reality has become a snow globe that someone has shaken up and left turned on it's side, I can open my locket and step back into the summer days.  Days filled with fires and S'mores, flip flops and sunscreen.  Days of a garage freezer stocked with freezer pops that all the kids have access to.  Days that smell of sun-screen and pool when I hug my kids tight.  Days that are creating memories for all of our kids. 

I need to write in a little more detail about some of the things that have taken place for this summer.  I need to post some pictures.  I need to not be so neglectful of my blog!  But for now, I need the memories.  I need to create them and remember them.  For now . . . it's Summer.