Monday, February 28, 2011

Busy.

So, if February goes out like a lion (flooding, blizzards, extreme temperature changes) will March come in like a lamb?  Can it work like that? Because I need it to.

February was just jam packed for such a short little month.  Birthday parties, baby showers, an unexpected visit to the hospital  for my mother, conferences, dance class schedule changes, hockey, m formal dances for the teenager, work, work and more work, and just on an on and on activity.   It truly was a whirl wind month.

March promises a little bit more of the same along with an actual BIRTH - that of my nephew who should make an appearance near the end of the month. There will be a grown up's night out with me and the man. And, newly planned, there will be a much, much needed night of movie watching and delicious food eating with Jane and I.  Along with all of the normal dance classes and hockey games and a few more birthday parties.  But still it just seems to be at a slower more manageable pace this month.

I never dreamed I would have a life so full.  And as often as I complain about the business of it all, I smile about it just as much.  I am grateful and thankful that we have a home that we can open up to our family.  I'm thankful that our kids are active and involved.  I'm thankful that there are exciting things going on with our families that we share with them and they with us.  Sometimes it seems like something from TV our life.  With the coming and the going and the planning and the timing.  We are busy.  We are fortunate.

Should there be more time for just me?  Maybe.  Should there be more time for just us? Absolutely.  Will it ever come?  Probably not any time soon.  But for now, I need to just be happy at the family that surrounds us and the business that fills us.  It's not all bad.  Exhausting and overwhelming at times, yes.  But it's not as bad as I make out to be all of the time.

Once in a while I get a little sad in that I feel that we were cheated.  We came together and joined forces very much in the middle of life.  Very much fully immersed in our children and our families and our jobs and just things.  We did not have any us time.  There are good memories from the beginning of us, but none of them include a childless, quiet, slow paced time.  It's always been begging, stealing and borrowing a few seconds for just us when we can.  Now the time for us most often comes at a heavy price of much planning, a little sneaking, and more of than not paying the price when we're found out.  Is it fair?  No.  Does it tarnish the time we had? Sometimes, yes.  And also sometimes I feel like you don't know how to give me time.  The time that I think I'm right in wanting.  It's not always your fault that you don't give it.  I don't think you know how anymore.  Your free time has always been for you and you don't know how to share it with another person.  So, I think we missed the boat in that part of our relationship.  I'm looking forward to making it up in other ways. Some day.

But for now, even the bumps in the road turn out alright.  At the end of the day you're still next to me and we still got through another activity, party, get together together and as a team.  That's comforting.  Because as crazy busy as we are each day, I didn't always think that I would again be part of a team.  I won't begrudge that.

Determination.

I don't have it.

I don't have will power.  I don't have strength when it comes to personal issues.  I just don't.  I am surrounded by strong willed people.  People of whom I am in awe.  But me, no.  I used to say that procrastination was my number one character flaw.  And while I think that this is still in the top three, I have moved lack of will power into the top spot.

Yes this is cliche girl whining about her cliche body.  I am not happy with the way I look or feel.  Yes I can blame it on the weather and not being able to get outside, but that is a cop out too.  I can just as much and fully blame what is going into my mouth.  And that is crap.  Pure and utter garbage is what I eat all day.  So why would I be surprised that it's only like garbage that I feel?

The new "it" piece of advise is to make peace with your body.  To learn to love yourself as you are. Um, no.  I don't love this.  I can't love this and I don't expect anyone else to.  I don't even like accidentally brushing my own arm against my stomach when I'm in bed.  Let alone do I want any one else to.  Sex is nothing more than a steam of self consciousness in which I'm telling myslef to suck this in, pull that more taut, turn this angle so that doesn't bulge out.  For those that know me, to hear me say that sex has become a chore is kind of big deal.  That's where mama is at right now. I dark, jiggly. hateful place.

Josh has will power.  He wants to quit smoking and he does.  He may start again, but again, I think that is more because he wants to rather than he's a slave to nicotine.  He stopped and hasn't started again for many, many weeks.  He decides he's going to get up at 5 AM and work out each morning and he does.  He doesn't even hit snooze once.  He just gets up and does it.  Four days a week without complaining.  He's downstairs working out while I'm engaged in a complicated waltz with my alarm clock trying to muster seven more minutes of sleep. Lazy much?

My mother has lost over 50 pounds in less than a year. She decided and it was so. Her portions are automatically smaller now, while I'm piling on heaping serving after heaping serving.  Hating myself all the while.

The vending machine buttons are beginning to wear as I daily punch B4 and E7 repeatedly for my sugary carbby fixes more than once a day.  I hate myself even as I walk back to my desk with my poor choices.

How do I get the strength to say no?  Where do I find the end of food addictions and bad choices? I say all these things yet I don't have the strength to do anything about it for myself.  So I'm the worst sucker of all.  My hill is getting steeper and my body is becoming less resistant to make the climb.  It's my own fault.  It's my own fault that this summer when it's pool time, I'll be sitting on the deck fully clothed.  Probably sucking on a cigarette and eating nachos.

Here's my hope that the universe is a fan of blogs and can help me pull myself up.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Sunday

This is Sunday, a day that is traditionally hard for me to get through.  It's getting better now.  So, so, so much better.  But the weeping and self loathing and bad decisions that have been made by me on a Sunday have made it a day that has been intolerable for me in the past.   But this particular day should actually be a good Sunday.  The girl (I haven't decided if I'm going to use names in this blog, though I will probably have to because there are too many stinkin' kinds here.) has an invitation to her friend's house for which she is beyond excited. There is hockey.  There should be some grocery shopping.  There will also be the Oscars. I'm relatively excited for those in that I actually saw on of the movies that's up for best picture.  So yay for 5 hours of TV that I will fast forward into 2 hours.

Watched  Due Date last night.  Not as funny as we were hoping, but still a great movie with some big laughs.  And and two hour stretch where we're huddled on the couch in the semi-darkness laughing together is a successful two hours to me.  Sometimes all I need is nearness and laughs for some rejuvenation.

I saw a meme on several blogs that I read a month or so back.  I now have a blog so I can do it!  I thought it was pretty awesome.  So, look for that in the near future. You'll probably love it. I am now finding myself writing blog posts in my head for later, and that is beyond exciting for me.  Apparently I do have a lot of fodder rattling around up here. It's exciting!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Excuses

I was resistant to a blog for a very long time. I had scads of excuses. Typos being one. Another was that I was under the firm impression that a blog had to include pictures. Ironic pictures of what I had done that day, catalogue worthy shots of my model like children, witty scenes that would be explained in my bard like writing style. Um, yeah. No. My children will never be models, I sometimes lack a sense of irony, oh yeah and at the time all of this was going through my head, I didn't even own a camera that that could actually upload pictures to anywhere.

So some time went by and then I realized that I can have a blog just for me. As a record for my kids someday. As an outlet for me that I sometimes so desperately need. Here doesn,t have to be tins of pictures with every post. There doesn't even have to be anything profound written with each post. This is for me. As mundane as it may sometimes be, I think it is going to be healthy as well.

I will point a select few in the direction of this little corner of the web that I am going to call mine, because let's face it -- Mama does love and audience. And if others stumble upon it themselves that's okay too. But for right now, I think the less the merrier because I need to be strictly me for a little while. That's going to feel so good!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Happiness

By doing this right here.  There will be happiness.  There will be happiness from at least a few other human beings.  Humans who want me to put my stories, past and present, out into the either.  There will be happiness from me that I get to have the space to get it out as they say.  Somehow writing in a spiral notebook that no one even knows exists, isn't always as fulfilling as putting things on the internet.
I'm excited.  A blog has been on my to-do list for a very long time.  Lets see where it takes us.

Happiness.


LATER UPDATE - I just went back and edited this post for more than one typo.  See the self fulfilling prophecy of my blog name.